just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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