Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
