why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
