I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
