I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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