girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
