Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
