I just threw up on my dentist
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
