Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I want her autograph on my taint
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
