I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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