**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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