Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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