he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
