You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
