look no pants
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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