the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
