He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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