It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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