mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
