New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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