I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
