Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think my vagina is haunted
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
