I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we made out on top of his cat.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
YAS. BRING CRAB.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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