I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
