Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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