...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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