Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
