ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize