You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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