Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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