your thong is hanging out like whoa
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
