You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
