So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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