Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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