May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
from now on my penis is your penis
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
