I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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