her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
