Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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