dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize
