next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
