You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
