He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
