the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
