the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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