Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
