I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
