first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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