Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My cat gives me a boner
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
