Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
