How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
