Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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