dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
