We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
