Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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