Don't make out with my wife yet
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
