he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
