I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
