Betty ford says i'm here all night
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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